Question from Briana
How do I get a guy to like me back?????
As a general rule, we can not control other people or “get them” to do or feel anything. We can only show them who we are and allow them to make their own choices.
Matters of the heart are personal and mysterious. We won’t ever know the source of the power that inspires the generation of romantic feelings. We do know that a guy can’t fully fall for a girl he doesn’t know. It’s not only your right to seek a friendship. It’s a gift you offer. From there, romance will either blossom or not.
But first, be a friend. Make eye contact. Compliment something he says. Laugh at his jokes. Smile when you see him. Say his name when you speak to him. Ask him for his opinion about things. People like people who like them and get them. He may or may not return your exact feelings, but you will teach yourself that you are someone who is courageous enough to go after something that matters to you.
• • •
Question from Nicole
Hi, Weezy. I’m not sure if you remember me asking about my best friend still hanging out with my ex, and how it doesn’t help when she mentions it to me. You advised me to be honest with her and just tell her to not do it since it’s not helping me heal, which I did.
She was very understanding about it and has been very good about not mentioning him at all. However, she mentioned that it doesn’t help that he is her co-worker and is in her social circle. I just find it frustrating because she didn’t even like him until we started dating, and I also feel like my ex started getting close to her and other of my closest friends the minute we broke up.
I’m not trying to tell her who she should hang out with, but lately it’s been getting the best of me. Well, it started with her going on to play basketball with her co-workers. She calls it her co-workers in general because she doesn’t wanna mention that he’s in that group, too. Fridays started out being our days to FaceTime and catch up, but lately she’s been canceling on me or rescheduling because she is going out to play with them.
I feel like I’m getting replaced by my ex and him butting into my social circle, and I just don’t know if my feelings are valid or if I’m overreacting. I’d appreciate any advice you have for me. Thank you.
Your feelings are always and will always be valid. It helps to picture yourself as one thread in a tapestry. When you pull yourself one way or head in another way, the threads around you will weave their ways in and out of new patterns you join and they will fill in gaps that you have left behind. That’s just the flow of life.
Understanding that your friends and your ex are just doing what people do will help you adjust to all of this. It will not hurry the healing, but it can prevent anger from erupting out of that hurt.
Social groups shift and adjust when people date and break up. It’s OK if you focus right now on the new path you are carving. Allow your friends to go about their lives without guilt. They are doing nothing overtly wrong. They are simply living.
This awkward period will pass. Suggest a new FaceTime schedule with your friend. You are going to feel whatever you are feeling until you don’t. But I promise you, that time is coming.
• • •
Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also co-hosts the podcast Media Path with Fritz Coleman, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.